INNER CHILD HEALING

PART 2

In continuation to the last post, as I said I’ll be discussing the attachment styles in detail, so as you all know that what are attachment styles and why it is so important to understand for ourselves.

So, there are four types of attachment styles and are made on the basis of which we have bond with our primary caregivers.

To the best of my knowledge, I hope you will get some answers after the completion of the attachment series and it’s going to be a insightful learning for all.

Are you someone who is always attracted to emotionally unavailable partner or people?

Are you someone who is been told you are ‘NEEDY’ OR ‘CLINGY’ or HIGH MAINTENANCE’?

Do you always want reassurance?

Are you someone who is sacrificing your needs for the relationship?

Do you always get panic when you don’t get heard from your partner?

So, if the answer to these questions is ‘YES’. Then you might have ‘ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT PATTERN’.

So, we’ll be discussing this attachment style in this post.

WHAT IS ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE?

An anxious attachment style might mean that the bond you developed with your parent or care giver as a child were constantly disrupted or parents were emotionally unavailable.

For example, perhaps a parent was there for some time, then absent for long periods of time.

This cause the child to be clingy to that caregiver.

Anxious attachment types are often nervous and stressed about their relationships. They need constant reassurance and affection from their partner. They have trouble being alone or single. They have trouble trusting people, even if they’re close to them. Their behavior can be irrational, overly emotional and complain that everyone of the opposite sex is cold and heartless.

One of the reasons people are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners is due to the role models they had for romantic relationships in childhood.

If one parent or both were absent from your life or emotionally unavailable, it’s not uncommon to be drawn to the same type of partner repeatedly because it feels familiar and so, you don’t see it as a red flag.

People often subconsciously try to heal what happened in the past by repeating the same dynamic they witnessed as children and hold onto with the hope that it will work out this time around. You may also have subconscious beliefs that you don’t deserve love, others aren't capable of meeting your needs, or that love is not real unless you have to earn it. This pattern is often repeated until the wound from the past is brought into conscious awareness and healed.

Did your parents maintain their relationship and a healthy sense of self or did you witness an imbalance between the two? If there was an imbalance, you may have an underlying fear of being engulfed by a relationship. Or perhaps you’ve been burned by love in the past and the fear of getting hurt again could be preventing you from dating available partners.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT WORKS ON THE ASSUMPTION “IF I ABANDON MYSELF MORE AND SACRIFICE MY NEEDS, YOU MIGHT ABANDON ME LESS”

How it affects you?

The care and attention you needed wasn't constant, therefore anxiety might have been created out of the fear that your parent or partner won't return.

This can leave you thinking, 'what's wrong with me?' and 'am I not good enough? These are questions that you can then carry into your adult relationships.

When child doesn’t know if they can trust their primary caregiver to meet their needs- As an adult they have the same sense of uncertainty in relationships.

Plus, outside of a relationship, you might find yourself still seeking approval from your parents into adulthood. "You still want to win their attention and affection, so you might try to please them by getting a good job or doing the things you think will make them happy."

The key factor in the creation of this attachment style is an “inconsistent caregiver”.

People with this attachment style are likely to develop relationship anxiety which can be observed as-

1. Distressing intrusive thoughts about your relationship

2.Excessive doubt about if your partner is right

3. Compulsively trying to find certainty and reassurance

Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can also contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship. If you have beliefs that you are not good enough or don't have as much to offer in a relationship as other people then you will likely think that this is what your partner thinks about you as well.

SOME FACTS THAT TRIGGERS ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE INDIVIDUALS

-When you experience a break-up or distance, your attachment system is activated and the quickest thing to alleviate the discomfort is contact with THAT person. That is why you will seek it and go to desperate measures to do so.

-People with anxious attachment struggle to let go and move on until every single part of them is convinced there is no chance of this relationship happening. Ever wondered why you have to take things to the bitter end?

-People with anxious attachment style are able to sense even the SLIGHTEST shift in the behavior. At this point it is best to pause and wait, and when your attachment system is triggered this can feel extremely hard.

“ALWAYS REMEMBER WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON’T REPAIR”

How you can become aware and try to break the pattern?

Identify what you are subconsciously trying to heal from the past by attracting unavailable partners and work on healing it.

For example, if you felt dismissed or rejected by one or both parents while growing up, acknowledge and explore the pain this caused you, then work on ways to show up differently for yourself, such as allowing space for your painful emotions, cultivating self-compassion, and engaging in self-care.

The fear of abandonment is big. It drives our constant need for love, validation and re-assurance from others. It is never enough we always need more, it’s not that we need to fill our own cup, it’s that we need to fix the cup.

When you’re repeatedly drawn to unavailable partners, there may be a feeling of excitement and an initial spark that occurs between you and this person. In some situations people mistake this spark to mean this person is the right one for them when, in reality, feeling initially excited about someone may actually indicate the pattern is repeating again.

On the other hand, if you feel neutral about someone, it’s usually a sign that this person might not be the same type of partner you are typically drawn to. Try to keep an open mind and go out with this person on a few dates to see if there is potential for a genuine connection to grow between the two of you.

Studies have demonstrated that your attraction to others can gradually increase over time. The mere exposure effect is the psychological phenomenon that indicates you are more likely to develop positive feelings about something you feel neutral about the more you are exposed to it.

So, we can say all this can be a cause but other factors are their too which can influence you.

Understanding attachment styles is a part of key to your relationships and important to our closest intimate ones.

Always remember, your own attachment styles can change and evolve as you grow. You are not locked in a box of definitions. You are a HUMAN and you grow, evolve and learn.

So, let’s get aware and work on ourselves. As, if you will not be mentally and physically healthy as individual you will never be happy with yourself and if you are not at peace with yourself you can’t have healthy relationships or lifestyle.

I hope it was a insightful reading for all my lovely readers. Share with your friends, family and make them aware too.

Happy Reading

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TO BE CONTINUED….