INNER CHILD HEALING

PART 3

In continuation to the last post ,now let’s discuss another attachment style, I hope the first attachment style that I discussed was informative and helpful for you all and was able to answer some of your questions.

Do you wish to find true connection with someone?

But, also scared of it?

Are you someone who pushes people away when you get too close with them?

Then feel sad why everyone leaves me?

There might be many more such questions in your mind related to why my feelings are numb, why I am confused about them all the time. So, if answer to all this is YES then there are chances you have developed “DISORGANIZED ATTACHMNET STYLE” or people with this attachment style are also referred to as COME HERE, GO AWAY Kind of people.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE?

When a child is frightened, they turn to an attached caretaker for security, comfort and reassurance. However, if the caretaker is also the very source of threat, then the child has an insoluble problem. In these conditions, children often disassociate from their selves. They may feel detached from what’s happening to them. What they’re experiencing may be blocked from their consciousness. A child in this conflicted state develops a disorganized attachment with their parental figures and later in their adult relationships.

Disorganized babies exhibit inexplicable, odd, disoriented or overtly conflicted behaviors toward their caregivers. Researchers also found that neurological impairment or pharmacological interventions are related to disorganization if the child has been left alone for an extended period of time.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style may cling to their friends or partner one day and then push them away the next. If you could never predict whether or not your parents would act loving towards you in childhood, it can be hard in adulthood to trust that other people in your life will be consistently honest and caring.

In adulthood, people with this attachment style are extremely inconsistent in their behavior and have a hard time trusting others.

You may crave the feeling of closeness, and then become scared of vulnerability. Relationships become a game of going back and forth between extreme closeness and being distant and guarded. You may feel confused about what you really want out of your friendships and romantic relationships.

Although people with a disorganized style of attaching want to connect, they pull away, see signs of rejection where none exists, and develop a self-fulfilling prophecy. They act in ways that protect themselves from rejection and pain.

They may find themselves as making the same mistakes over and over again or consciously putting themselves in situations that you know won’t benefit them. Plus, they may also seek out toxic relationships that keep them on an emotional roller coaster.

Also, Parent having a violent partner also impacts attachment formed in the child and results in disorganization.

If you did not have a secure bond with your parents as a child your environment at home was unsafe in some or you lost a parent you may have a disorganized attachment style as an adult.

Finally, choosing a consistently kind, reliable, and trusting partner is also part of good relationship habits, which can help form a healthy attachment. The safer one feels within a relationship, the more securely attached he or she can become.

ALWAYS REMEMBER- “WHEN THE WOUND IS READY TO BE HEALED, THE TRIGGER WILL APPEAR”

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT MIGHT LOOK LIKE:-

· LOVE IS A SOURCE OF COMFORT AND FEAR

· BELEIVING OTHER PEOPLE ARE UNREALIABLE AND UNTRUSTWORTHY

· FEELINGS ARE VERY CONFUSING OR ARE NUMBED

· UNSURE OF HOW TO GET NEEDS MET SO “BOUNCES” BETWEEN PULLING AWAY AND

SEEKING CLOSENESS.

· IT TAKES A LONG TIME FOR PEOPLE TP GET CLOSE TO YOU.

· YOU EXPERIENCE INTENSE AND OVERWHELMING FEELINGS IN RALATIONSHIPS.

· LIFE FEELS CHAOTIC, CALM IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

When the disorganized infant grows up, erratic patterns of relating to others can be enduring. The disorganized adult may also experience shame as a trait (“I am bad”). The disorganized adult may also experience others as being inherently untrustworthy and so relationships are marked by a lack of worthiness (“I don’t deserve connection”) suspicion toward others (“This person isn’t sticking around.”). Because humans are wired for connection, this lack of stable and enduring connectedness can leave a person with disorganized patterns in a prolonged state of pain and loss. This long-term pain may lead to unhealthy pain management and dissociation (“checking out” from reality). Since humans cannot thrive outside of relationships, mental health can be significantly impacted by a disorganized pattern.

“IF THE PROBLEM IS INSIDE THEN SO IS THE SOLUTION”

WAYS IN WHICH WE CAN TRY TO HEAL?

· SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP- Therapy can help you to develop a safe, secure, and trusting relationship with your clinician while teaching you to identify the thoughts and behavior's that lead to an unhealthy attachment style. It can also help a person with disorganized attachment develop effective communication skills and set boundaries that make them feel safe in other relationships.

These skills can help them to identify more reliable, consistent, and trustworthy partners, and healthier, safer, and more secure bonds can be formed as a result.

Be patient and consistent in personal growth.

· Writing a coherent narrative helps people understand how their childhood experiences are still affecting them in their lives today. Through this process, they can find healthier ways to deal with unresolved trauma and loss by facing and feeling the full pain of their experiences. Hiding from their past or trying to bury their emotions doesn’t work, as painful feelings will be triggered in moments of stress

· Attachment patterns tend to be enduring across the lifespan unless we do the work of “EARNING SECURE ATTACHMENT”.

· “EARNING SECURE ATTACHMENT”- It involves reconciling childhood experiences and making sense of the impact a person's past has on their present and future. To earn security, you have to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child.

· Coping with a disorganized attachment style requires some deep self-work. Despite having an insecure attachment style, it's possible to form healthy relationships and secure attachment as an adult. It takes practice and willingness to take the risk of creating new kinds of relationships and a new narrative for yourself.

· Like with any insecure attachment style, self-awareness and a commitment to growth are the first steps in coping with disorganized attachment. While it may take some work, it's possible to develop healthy relationships and greater self-worth.

"Always remember, your own attachment styles can change and evolve as you grow. You are not locked in a box of definitions. You are a HUMAN and you grow, evolve and learn"

So, let’s get aware and work on ourselves. As, if you will not be mentally and physically healthy as individual you will never be happy with yourself and if you are not at peace with yourself you can’t have healthy relationships or lifestyle.

I hope it was a insightful reading for all my lovely readers. Share with your friends, family and make them aware too.

Happy Reading

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